joss
hi bear, it's a new year new mistakes new hidings. that sounds really somber for what is me being really happy over something small (but significant!) ! I guess writing a blog equates to airing out melodramatic depression for me, but I think keeping a diary (you) will work this muscle in this goofy head a bit more. anyways; the real bit: I changed my wallpaper !! funny meme about starting on T (found on the mgt server) and our fav holy man saying I was on the t pose once... persecution flashbacks... hahaha damn I should reread the English language's fav oc book (the bible.) wow: the rambling & elaboration are insane ! changed the homescreen to a fav page on the very first comic about joss. yeah I signed up for e621 which coincidentally was unrelated to the msg conversation I lurked read in the server but came up because I wanted to further peruse the works of a certain artist that did come up in another convo.
joss may be. joss isn't me, I. I don't think I'm that good of a person to have friends that will ever be that comfortable around me or I think I don't know. I don't know how to be as comfortable as he is around people, even near strangers. I don't think someone will ljke me like that. but. I've never read a, a media a literary an artistic work that depicted so many,,, scratch that. I've never read a trans masculine work ever. and having my first introduction to it be so lifelike so human so stated in reality... it makes me so shakily happy and unmoored to see joss' joy like that. to see him happy, to hear how much it means to him to say I'm freakin' alive ! commenters say how much they enjoy that sex in funbun's hands is just uncomplicated, natural, a part of being human that brings happiness and. the work ! joss just, my fears of sex of revealing of never feeling normal of I don't know curiosity and I just. I feel unmoored. I feel unbound. his mannerisms I just. that's a trans guy you know ? being a girl is always with you you,, it isn't that you're ashamed, that was just who you aren't now. you have to unlearn that, that way of keeping you safe but uncomfortable, safe but unalive. you know ? it's not just the cosy, yet intimate (sexy) romance blooming btwn joss n Keith, it's just that's a trans guy. I still. I still want to be. I want to be alive. sherlock elementary said that isolationism doesn't bring the best part of himself, well, he said that it isn't and that it will not bring him to be that and yeah. I am not as hardworking or (adjusted in maladjustedness) as him but it hasn't. it never is. I avoid things because I'm afraid and in the meantime while I'm away I feel myself unravelling, thinking unkind thoughts not being kept in check by people who show me that life is... life. that my bitterness doesn't hide that I hate life but cruelty even in the depths of one's mind isn't an excuse for that. but I may just be obfuscating and sharting about to say that connections make me enquire, make me think, make me want to improve. I... I hate the letter I. It's hard to value yourself when you see your incompetence in the way that instantaneous moments aren't your thing or you're bumbling about forgetting things or you know myriad of ways but then your friends say you've impacted them ! they love you ! you matter ! zuzu's words you know ! but once you go back you have to keep up. you have to maintain and it's just. reconciling the two, it's just. I don't know.
I'm happy in a tampered ways. as always it's me, bye bear