philautia
guilt. saying 'I feel ()' rings untrue; like the words sift through and sink down, down under the meaning. it's hovering everywhere. sometimes it is true but this thing that keeps creeping up is not. why did I delete it why did I retract it. brother of mine you are vile you have been you have hurt me ostensibly and I keep getting tricked and have to remind myself that . distance makes the heart grow fonder . you don't.. you can't take back the past, the words you've said, the person you were. it is not that I have a right to who you are now, it's the memories I have and the horrid feelings that were ripped out of me because of you and . and why I feel so blue all day everyday: constant like the sky and the ocean ; floating or sinking , constant and plain and escaping and forever running down running away running out —take the space away from me and let me go I want to forget everything I have ever felt I feel incomplete and broken because of you because of myself because of . I don't know I'm a shit adult and a shit human and maybe I want to die because it's easier than feeling this way . fuck you by the way fuck you and I like you man I have to say I love you or I'd feel guilty even when I don't truly mean this . there's some snake in my gut saying you repel me .